But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn’t! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

Posted on May 29, 2019
Bus, Colleges & Universities, Compare and contrast, Couples, Crimes, Euphemisms, Fat people, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hoochies, Iowa, Leisure, Relationships

My Mom Is So Not the Boss of Me

Guy on cell, buying whipped cream, 24-pack of beer, and box of condoms: I am so over that bitch. Yeah, tonight is gonna be great! Finally, a night where I can do whatever I want without her bitching about it. Yeah, come over whenever. And bring some friends.

Grocery store
Syracuse, New York

Posted on May 27, 2019
Gripes, New York, On the phone

Which Is Also What I Wrote for My Essay About the Statue Of Liberty

High school girl, ranting to friend about biology class: It's *so* annoying…I hate evolution! He goes all into the *designing* of a cell and I'm like “God created it and that's all we need to know.” We don't have to go all hi-def into it!

Lancaster Mennonite HIgh School
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Posted on May 7, 2019
Default, Girls, God, Gripes, Pennsylvania, School [Elem., Middle, & High], Science, Students

And This Money Isn’t Even Green!

Middle-aged American tourist woman: The rooms here have strange plugs, I simply cannot use my curling iron! This is outrageous… I want to see the manager immediately!

Hotel Restaurant
Munich
Germany

Overheard by: Dru

Posted on April 15, 2019
Clients, Compare and contrast, Germany, Gripes, Idiots, Restaurants, Technology, Tourists, Wishes, Women

That Itching and Flaking Are Just Jesus Telling You You’ve Been Naughty

Guy to pals: Dude, seriously — STDs are just Christian propaganda.

Riverbend Music Center
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: robby gigante

Posted on April 2, 2019
Christianity, Default, Gripes, Guys, Idiots, Ohio, STDs, Stupidity

The Lipstick Kind, at Least?

Size 4 girl #1: I love H&M but it makes me feel so fat. I have to wear a size 6 or 8 when I shop here.
Size 4 girl #2: Yeah, and that vest makes you look like a lesbian.

H&M
Chicago, Illinois

Posted on March 28, 2019
Beauty, Body parts, Clothes, Clothing, Default, Diet & weight, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Illinois, Sexuality, Shopping, Stores

Things Couldn't Be Any Worse If We Were Victims Of Nuclear Holocaust!

Jappy milf #1: I just feel like all I do is sell houses. And I hate it. I just hate my life!
Jappy milf #2: Ugh, I know. We really need to get out of Armonk!
Jappy milf #1: I know. I hate my house! I hate everything in it! My life is horrible here!

Armonk, New York