But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn’t! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

Posted on May 29, 2019
Bus, Colleges & Universities, Compare and contrast, Couples, Crimes, Euphemisms, Fat people, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hoochies, Iowa, Leisure, Relationships

Rather Than Someone Else's

Guy at the end of the very long line to men's room: Man, it's like the line to Space Mountain. Except when you get to the end you have your dick in your hand.

Festival of Ales
Worcester, Massachusetts

Posted on May 24, 2019
Compare and contrast, Default, Guys, Hands, Massachusetts, Penis

…As This 45-Minute Presentation Will Demonstrate.

Physicist: Elise has a quantum ass. It's either big or real big. Depending on what pants she wears.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: change

Posted on May 20, 2019
Ass, Clothes, Clothing, Compare and contrast, Guys, Illinois, Science

So, under the Law, It Didn't Count

Loud black girl: And Lafawnda was all, “I kissed a girl and I liked it!” But it wasn't like she was curvaceous or anything!

Outside Shedd Aquarium
Chciago, Illinois

Overheard by: Mateo

Posted on May 20, 2019
Compare and contrast, Default, Girls, Illinois, Music, Words

For Today's Lab, You Won't Need Partners

Teaching assistant to bunch of anatomy students: When in doubt, touch yourself!

Cleveland State University, Ohio

Posted on May 17, 2019
Advice, Colleges & Universities, Compare and contrast, Default, Masturbation, Ohio, Students, Weirdness

…As the Queen Said at Her Eulogy.

Teenage boy, about princess Diana: Dude, she was like Mother Teresa, just with better tits!

Palm Harbor
Florida

Overheard by: Jedtheavenger

Posted on May 17, 2019
About celebrities, Compare and contrast, Florida, Rack, Stupidity, Teens

There Was a Flier in There from a Jimmy Carter Rally

Woman, putting bag on table for security: Ugh, it's really messy, I really need to clean it…I'm sorry.
Security: Ma'am, we're not grading them. (finishes looking through bag) But if we were, I'd give it a c minus.

Hillary Clinton Rally
Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Kendal

Posted on May 16, 2019
Cleanliness, Compare and contrast, Default, Employees, Feelings, Hawaii, Women

You Never Know When Mr. Right Will Fall Into Your Vagina

Hoochie #1: That's why I don't wear panties with tight skirts; I need maximum mass, maximum jiggle.
Hoochie #2: That's also why you always flashin' your business, looking like a ho.
Hoochie #1: So? What you doing up in that club–gettin' drunk? (laughs)

Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Mistopher