Restaurant server on smoke break: How were the ladies at the bar?
Drunk man: Those bitches were hot. And I mean “bitches” in the best possible way.
Server: When I say “bitches,” I mean “hoes.”

Plano, Texas

Very obnoxious drunk man to long-suffering waitress: Hey, what’s your name, anyway?
Waitress (coldly): Melissa.
Drunk man (softly): Awww, my daughter’s name is Melissa.
Waitress: Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but we usually turn out slutty.

Los Angeles, California

Girl: What good vegetarian options do you have?
Waitress: Well, we have really good turkey burgers.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Hannah

Frustrated waitress: There’s not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Hales

Mom: I’ll have a diet Coke.
Dad: I’ll have an iced tea.
10-year-old girl: I’ll have a Bailey’s coffee.
Waitress: Um… Can I see some ID?
10-year-old girl: Okay, I’ll just have coffee, then.

Cheesecake Factory
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: around the corner

Cafeteria lady: Last night Jesus took me home!

Overheard by: cherrynwhite

Waitress #1: At least you didn’t pee your pants like you did yesterday.
Waitress #2: I know, right?

Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: pee bee

Server: We need a button on the computer for this…
Boss man: For what?
Server: Balls on your face.

Midlothian, Virginia

Overheard by: bec-uhh

Waiter in white shirt, black pants and black bow tie (singing): Doot doot doot, penguins walking downtown, doot doot doot, penguins smoking cigarettes…

Spokane, Washington

Waiter: I think it would be cool to live on the moon…
Waitress: Yeah, I don't think I could do that. I'm afraid of heights.

Texas City, Texas

Overheard by: TurboCat