TV shows

Hairdresser to client in salon: I really like Egypt, you know? I feel like I have a connection to Egypt, like I was there in a past life. Like, I was watching this show on the History Channel about Egypt? Or some place? And they have three religions there? The first one was this religion where everybody kisses this wall? Mmm-mm-mm-mm. They were making out with this wall! They loved that wall. And then the next religion, god told Abraham to kill his son? What kind of crazy religion is that? And then the third religion was all these people standing up, and bending down.
Client: They were probably Muslims. They were praying towards Mecca…
Hairdresser: Uh huh. And I said to my boyfriend, “that's good exercise.” I was going to watch more, but Dancing with the Stars was on.

Collingswood, New Jersey

Man on cell, about his genitals: Yeah, it's shaped up like a 'fro on a Scooby Doo Chia Pet.

Toronto
Canadia

Hispanic guy to large white guy: Maybe we can catch the rest of What Not to Wear, man!

Austin, Texas

Fab teenage girl with huge pink sunglasses: I fucking loved Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye! I have no fucking idea why they canceled it!
Teenage boy dressed in all black, munching cookie: Me neither. That was show was kickass.
Fab teenage girl: Probably 'cuz all the old people were like, “this show's really fucking gay.” But I think that that one guy was really hot. Stupid fucking old people.

Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia

Woman, waiting for Two Gentlemen of Verona to begin: This is one of Shakespeare's comedies, right?
Friend: Yes.
Woman: Someone will cross-dress, there will be mistaken identity, and love triangles, and everything will turn out well. All Shakespeare comedies have the same plot.
Friend: Yeah, pretty much.
Woman: They're all just episodes of Three's Company.

Boulder, Colorado

Reporter to bodyguard for racist, fascist political party holding a press conference: Can you tell us why we're not being allowed to enter?
Bodyguard: You've printed repeated and insidious lies about our party.
Reporter, after long pause: We're a tv station.

Manchester
England

Mexican drag queen hosting a show: It's St. Patrick's day tomorrow…
Crowd: It's today!
Mexican drag queen: Is it tonight? I never know these things, I don't watch the news!

Gay Bar
Toronto
Canadia

Girl #1: Okay, so my sister was watching Pokemon the other day, and asked me a question about it, and I don't know what to tell her.
Girl #2: Well, what is it?
Girl #1: She was wondering, since there are no animals in the show, like cows or anything, if when they ate meat they were eating Pokemon.
Girl #2: Don't tell her the truth, it'll break her nerdy little heart.

Utah

Chick: I was in your area during lunch and thought about asking you to meet me for a quickie.
Dude: What the fuck? And you didn't, because…?
Chick: I had to drive some coworkers back to the city. Wasn't sure what to do with them while we copulated.
Dude: Do what my parents did, sit them down in front of the tv, turn on Sesame Street and turn it up!

Conshohocken, Pennsylvania

American physics lecturer: There's no shame in being fond of Star Trek.

University of Auckland
New Zealand