Food

We'll Get You a Milk and an Epi Pen and Let's See What Unfolds

Five-year-old in cafeteria during kindergarten lunchtime: Mr. Greg, my mom didn't put juice in my lunch. Can I get a drink from the cafeteria?
Mr. Greg: Sure, I'll get you something. You want milk?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Regular white milk or chocolate?
Five-year-old: Chocolate.
Mr. Greg: Okay. You're not allergic to chocolate, are you?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: You are? Oh, then I'll get you white milk. Are you allergic to white milk?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Oh, then I'd better see if they have juice.
(Mr. Greg goes into the kitchen and comes back with orange juice)
Mr. Greg: Here's some orange juice. You're not allergic to orange juice, are you?
Five-year-old: Yeah.
Mr. Greg: Do you know what “allergic” means?
Five-year-old: No.

Elementary School
Los Angeles, California

Randomly, but Still

Lady in coffee shop: So then he went to the Parkinson's Society conference and served soup.

Vancouver
Canadia

Water Is Also a Tough One

Substitute teacher to class: I have a theory that everything in the world is derived from grilled cheese sandwiches.
Student: What about things made out of meat? You know, like animals and people?
Substitute teacher: That's where my theory ends.

High School, Missouri

Overheard by: can's wait to graduate

A Porno?

Woman on BlackBerry: So what's cream cheese again?

Australia

In Totally Unrelated News, We’ll Never Have to Hear Ashlee Simpson Sing Again.

Browser #1: They only eat dead flesh. They only eat dead flesh! They only eat dead flesh!
Browser #2: What are you talking about?
Browser #1: They only eat dead flesh — y’know, maggots — and I found them in my garbage can and they only eat dead flesh. They only eat dead flesh, y’know?

Flea market
Kentucky

Goodness, Just Look at the Time!

Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right…
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open…
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.

Leamington Spa
England

…But Only If They're the Horny Type.

Wise eight-year-old boy to brother: Getting a girlfriend is the easy part. But you have to know how to keep them.
Attentive six-year-old: How do you get them to stay?
Wise eight-year-old: You have to find out what kind of food they like to eat. And give them a plastic unicorn.

Nature Park
Tampa, Florida

It'll Go Great with Your Whine

Mother to toddler son, looking at cheese display: Look, charlie, Gruyere! Can you say “Gruyere”?

Whole Foods
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: GruyereLover

Golden Showers Count As “Animal,” Right?

Mid-20s girl: So, I’ve been a vegetarian for about six years now and I’m trying to phase out all animal products.
Mid-40s woman: Oh, I could never be a vegetarian, I’d die. I like my potatoes too much.
Mid-20s girl: Umm… Potatoes are vegetables.
Mid-40s woman: Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I mean like peas and stuff.

Kokomo, Indiana

Overheard by: Justin

Much Easier to Digest Than Faulkner– Trust Me.

Girl: Mom, you have to buy me a book.
Mom: I just bought you beef jerky!

Escondido, California

Overheard by: Ciara & Eric

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