Thug #1: Everybody calls that girl “Orangutan titties.”
Thug #2: What? Why?
Thug #1: She's the one that flashed everybody back in freshman year at that one assembly, and her titties be all pointy and shit.
Thug #2: I remember that shit, that was pretty fuckin' funny.
Thug #3 (after a long pause): Man, orangutans are fuckin' weird.
Thug #1: Yeah, monkeys be fucked up.
MDN High School, Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: I saw this whole assembly thing, too.
Dude, watching Unbreakable: Look, Samuel L. Jackson has slave hair here.
Chick: No, that’s not slave hair. It’s too coiffed. It’s, like, uppity hair.
Dude: No, look at it from the front. Totally slave hair.
Chick: No! That’s more like just-got-set-free hair.
Dude: Okay, fine. Reconstruction hair, then.
Chick: Exactly.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: MeganMama
Guy to friend in a bar, after woman suddenly departed: What happened? Where'd she go?
Friend: I'm pretty sure she left. She kept on telling me she has no self-esteem at all and that she has a huge nose. So I just told her, “look, you really don't have a huge nose–you just have a Wicked Witch of the West nose.”
Guy: Fuck. Why do I even bother trying to fix you up with my friends?
Franco's Bar
Highland, Indiana
College girl #1: (laughs hysterically)
College girl #2: Yeah, and while he was balls deep in me too, can you believe that?
Pennsylvania
Girl to friend doing geometry worksheet: If the answer's 27.5, my vagina is a genius.
Tampa, Florida
College girl: So how do you masturbate?
Friend: I hump my desk.
College girl: Wait…really?!
Friend: Yeah, it's great. I can go from nothing to orgasm in like, 20 seconds.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Guy with baby: So, I found out that Ed tried something fairly kinky with Sarah when they got together at our wedding…
Girl: What? What did he try?
Guy with baby: It was fairly kinky…
Girl: Did he try to sodomize her?
Guy with baby: Alright, he did! But he was too drunk… She said it was like a marshmallow. [Turns to baby in baby talk] Wasn’t my cousin a big silly to try to sodomize my roommate when he was in that state? Yes he was! Yes he was!
Dominick’s Restaurant
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Jack
Fat lady #1: You can not wear that.
Fat lady #2: Shut up. I’m gonna suck it in!
Old Navy, Palisades Center Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: Please Don’t
Guy walking by the main library: … And we could have, like, a Moroccan sex room, with pillows and draperies!
Male friend: Right on!
University of Toronto
Canadia
Fast-walking woman: You know him — Scott…
Fast-walking man: Was that the guy who put your mother to sleep?
Glens Falls, New York
Overheard by: Kate E. Austin
