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There's Nothing Like Mourning Sex

Young Spanish guy: So yeah, I met up with my ex Becky last night, we ended up having sex behind the pharmacy.
Young white guy: I asked you to come hang out yesterday but you said you had your grandpa's funeral!
Young Spanish guy: I did have the funeral, but that was in the morning.
Young white guy: So you had time to fuck Becky behind the pharmacy but no time to hang out with me? Besides, you said you were close to your grandpa. Shouldn't you have been mourning?
Young Spanish guy: So… does this mean I don't get a high five?
Young white guy: *grudgingly high fives*.

Movie Theatre, Ottawa
Canada

Overheard by: Ash

Dooming You to Come on Time for All Eternity

Professor: When you’re late, Eric* will take down your name. The first time he’ll just tack a threatening note on your door. What did we decide you would do for the second tardy?
Eric: Slash their tires.
Professor: Right. And the third time we’ll make pornographic images of you on Photoshop and put them on the Internet.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

It's the Only Possible Motivation to Teach at a Texas Public School?

Teacher: I got a question for you guys… If you're flying at 50,000 feet and the left rear tire falls off your canoe, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse and why?
Students: What the fuck?
Teacher: Clearly, the answer is 7, cause ice cream has no bones!
Student #1: Why do they keep giving us teachers on crack?
Student #2: I dunno, man. I dunno…

Inside Freshman Classroom
El Paso, Texas

Nice Kevlar Shirt, by the Way

Dude: That guy totally has a gun.
Chick (offended): Just because he has sunglasses doesn't mean he has a gun!

High School
Englewood, Colorado

If I Show You a Boob, Will You Forget This Lecture Ever Happened?

Moral and religious education teacher, describing opening scene of Gridiron Gang: So the movie opens, right, and you hear all these guns going off, and everyone's gangbanging everywhere…
Students: (silence, then loud raucous laughter)
Teacher: Oh, Jesus Christ… I mean they're shooting loads at each other… Oh god, no…

Centennial Regional High School
Quebec
Canadia

Overheard by: amused

…Before We Said Our Vows

Guy to ex-wife (about drunkenness): Yeah, the best time was at that wedding when you started drinking down those cinnamon things, and flashed that guy.

Oakland, Oregon

Overheard by: Erin

Hint, Hint.

Guy #1: Man, it's too early. I'm so tired.
Guy #2: I know, man. I'm so tired that if some dude just came up and raped me I wouldn't care, I'd be like “just hurry up and get it over with!”

West Virginia

Overheard by: Kimber

… Hanging between His Knees

Sorostitute #1: Oooh, a Southern boy!
Sorostitute #2: Yeah, it’s just something about that Southern genitalia that makes him so sexy. Wait, ‘genitalia’? Is that the right word? Well, you know — that smooth Southern thing.

James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia

I'm Writing You a Prescription for the History Channel

Customer: Excuse me. I just have to know, are you Polynesian?
Worker: No, I'm Native American.
Customer: Oh. Where are they from?

Utah

As I Proved Conclusively in My Doctoral Thesis

Professor, looking at picture of optical illusion: Here…we have…a bunch of lines.

Northwestern Univeristy
Chicago, Illinois

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