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Older woman working out with personal trainer: I’m almost 70 years old. Ask me how much I care how I look. I don’t even have a mirror in my bathroom. I was just interested in a chemical peel. They wanted to roll my skin up over my head, take out the fat, then roll it down again, not to mention take out my liver and kidney. And the woman that’s dragging me around to this stuff? She’s a gusher. I hate gushers. She says: “We’ll go through this together”. She says: “Ask the gods.” Can you imagine me asking the gods for a facelift? What blasphemy. She says: “Tell me about yourself”. I say: “You mean the heroin addiction?” She says: “Really?” I say: “Yeah, it was after my two daughters were born, when I started robbing banks to support us.” Honestly, everything has to be so sordid before someone will listen to you. You have to have an incestuous affair or something. When in reality, I work all day, then come home and watch TV like the rest of the human race.

Women’s gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: Trying not to howl with laughter

Soldier: What is that thing?
Passenger #1: An iPhone.
Passenger #2: Man, where the hell have you been?
Soldier: Iraq.

Flight from Minneapolis to Pittsburgh

Homeless woman to preppy kid in pink shirt: Don’t mix your reds and your whites!

Boulder, Colorado

Nanny (in thick Irish accent): Get over here right now!
(little girl does not move)
Nanny: Jesus sees you!
(little girl still not moving)
Nanny: Santa sees you, and you’ll get nothing!
(little girl runs to nanny)

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Charles

Brunette: I use babies as a unit of measurement.

5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington

Teen cashier at checkout: Are you listening to music on an iPod?
Geriatric customer: It’s an iPhone.
Teen cashier: Dude, you’re ballin’.

Columbus, Indiana

Overheard by: Hoosier

Excited student: I got a B+ on my Nietzsche paper!
Friend: The one based on a Dungeons & Dragons joke?

Auraria Campus
Denver, Colorado

Overenthusiastic principal: So, where’d ya guys go for lunch? Huh?
Jaded student (indicating Subway cup): I ate fresh.
Principal: Did you go the 6 inch route? Or the 12 inch?
Student: I, uhhh… 6.
Principal, grinning: Don’t worry, Shane* -I think you’re man enough to take a 12-inch.

Livingston, Montana

English teacher: Calling someone a douche is not a constructive comment, even if it’s true.

Flora High School
Columbia, South Carolina

(grandmother mumbles something unintelligible)
Young girl: Oh my god, grandma! I didn’t want to hear how grandpa was hung like a whale!

Longview, Washington

Overheard by: CaerBear