Bartender: Geez, Hank, you’re looking great these days. Been working out?
Chubby Jewish guy: Yeah. I tell ya, I’ve been trying to lose the spare tire, but I lost it all in my earlobes instead. It’s a cruel world.
Suami’s India Garden Resturant
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jeebus McGee
Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Little boy looking at zebra with erection: Mommy, five legs?
Mom: Yes, honey, five legs.
San Diego Zoo
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Kim and Amy
Drunk girl: I’m lubed up from my fingertips to my elbow!
99 Restaurant bar
Salem, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sam-a-lamb
Guy to girls: First I kicked her, then I put a dick in her ear.
Target
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: NU Rules
Hot guy to hot girlfriend: I really liked it when you humped my face today… I think my nose even disappeared for a few seconds.
Whataburger
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: C.D.
Huge guy waving Bud Light bottle at old Native American lady: There’s a reason I like ladies without any teeth.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Old Russian man, gesturing: My little finger is bigger than my father’s loin.
Bread & Chocolate
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: LizWasStunned
Midget girl: So, I’m trying to talk to him, but he wouldn’t stop checking out my body, and I’m like, ‘Hello! My eyes are down here.’
San Francisco State University
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Ottsel
Chick #1: Hey, how was your weekend?
Chick #2: It was really fun — my wart fell off!
Chick #1: Really? How?
Chick #2: I don’t know! It just fell off. It was the best weekend ever!
Charleston, South Carolina
