Birthday girl: Not to be mean, but I'm kind of glad Jeff* can't come to my birthday party. Now I can invite Kelly*.
Friend: Why couldn't you before? Not enough seats?
Birthday girl (long pause): No. Because Jeff's brother got her sister pregnant.
Friend: Oh, yeah.
University of Notre Dame
Notre Dame, Indiana
Overheard by: iz
Dude: If you don't come along, I'll have your first-born child sodomized. By a moose.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Russ
Guy: My mom hit my dad with a frying pan. He doesn't have a cheek anymore. It's been entirely restructured. She used to beat the shit out of him! It was so funny. But when he drunk–that's when she'd get a beating.
Girl, sympathetically: Your family…
Guy: Oh, I love my family! I don't know what I'd do without them!
Neptune City, New Jersey
Grandson, watching grandmother hold cigar as if it was a joint: If grandma takes off her bra and burns it, I'm gonna freak out.
Grandma: Oh, Simon! I'm not wearing one.
Spencer, Iowa
Girl: My aunt’s a kindergarten teacher, so she knows a lot of non-fags.
Wellesley College
Wellesley, Massachusetts
Fat girl filling out paperwork: Did I have any problems with my pregnancy? No. Well…I lost the baby…
Asian friend: Oh, well…just put “no.”
Planned Parenthood
San Diego, California
Overheard by: CINDI
Teen daughter: You’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Teen daughter: No, you’re a dickwad.
Mom: No, you’re a dickwad.
Granny, with English accent: What’s a dickwad?
Teen daughter: It’s a pile of jism, Granny.
Dad: Okay, family meeting right now!
On the subway
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: jezebel
Professor: Even my own mother tells people I’m a drug dealer.
http://www.overheardatumbc.com
Girl on cell: So I learned over the weekend that my parents are swingers. I know, it was so weird! It's like, okay, so on the weekends you go out and have sex with other people… Yeah… Do we have practice today?
College of Saint Benedict
St. Joseph, Minnesota
Overheard by: Rose
Suit #1, referring to scar on suit #2's throat: What happened to you?
Suit #2: My daughter is batshit. What of it?
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Julia
