Friends

One Day You Will Make Some Dork Very, Very Happy

20-something chick to friend on cell: I like how you're listening to the message I left you while I'm standing right here.
Friend: I just want to make sure I get the message, I don't want to be like one of those people who calls you back without listening to the message.
20-something chick: I hate those people! It's like, what if the message was really important? Like, “Help me, I'm dying! Don't call me back–it sets off the bomb!”

University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Overheard by: Good point

In Kansas, Recreational Eating Goes Extreme

Stoner #1: … And it burned the whole way down! Seriously, I think my throat hemorrhaged.
Stoner #2: Well at least you didn’t eat nine bowls of pudding.

Kansas State University, Manhattan

Overheard by: I wish I heard the beginning…

Stop Being White in Popeye’s!

Black girl #1: Okay, I know what I’m getting. Do you know what you’re getting?
White girl: I’ve never been here before. Let me look for a while. [Pauses, then yells.] Wait a minute! Popeye’s a sailor; Why does he sell chicken?
Black girl #2: Oh my god, shut up now or no more vodka for you for the rest of the night!
White girl: Okay. [Giggles.] I’m sorry.
[Black girls start talking to each other.]White girl, yelling: Why are there no white people in here?!
Black girl #1: Aww fuck, take her outside to the car. This is her first and last time ever coming here!

Popeye’s
Trenton, New Jersey

Yup! How’s Your Vaginal Discharge?

Girl to guy friend: So, is your ball sack sweaty like yesterday?

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: K.

…of Stuff That Never Happened

Bro #1: Dude, now that you're here…
Bro #2: We can start making some fucking memories!

Michigan State University

Best. Quote Location. Ever.

Male roommate to another: Don't jump on me. I have a boner.

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

Um, Isn't That a Burger King Crown?

Drunk aboriginal man to drunk friends: I just got out of jail. My mum's been crying for me, my dog's been praying for me, my uncle Bob's been praying for me, all to get me back to Narrogin. I tell you, I'm the king of that town.

Fremantle
Australia

I Have It on My Resume, Under “Hobbies”

Woman: I orgasmed here once.
Friend, cheerfully: Oh, I've done that several times!

James Brown Arena
Augusta, Georgia

Overheard by: Annissa

Yet You Won't Swallow Your Husband's Semen?

Middle-aged woman with dog: Oh, she peed on my foot. That's your pee. That's your love juice. Did you put your love juice on me? You gave me your love juice.
Woman's friend: It's on your shirt now.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, she pissed on my shirt? It's okay, it's just love juice. Come here, stinks. Come here, stinky. It's just pee. Come, gimme kisses, stink-stink.
Woman's friend: Here, maybe you should let me hold her.
Middle-aged woman, hissing: Get away from my stinky! She gave me her love juice, not you.

Starbucks
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Pips

And by “Celebrating Mass” I Mean Exactly What You Think I Mean

18-year-old guy to friend: If I liked kids, I would be celebrating mass at a Catholic church.

Mexico City
Mexico

Overheard by: Kafnut

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