New homeowner: Did you ever find out what was causing that smell?
Worker: Yep.
New homeowner: What was it?
Worker: I’m not gonna tell ya.
New homeowner: Come on, what was it?
Worker, with a serious face and tone: You’ve got about four and a half to five opossums underneath your house.
Huntington, West Virginia
Overheard by: Jess
Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.
Glendale Heights, Illinois
Overheard by: rbmmom
Professor: Cats aren’t capable of going into your home, judging what items are valuable, and dragging those items away.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Overheard by: sjshock
Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I’m just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I’m just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn’t even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?
Bennigans
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Chris
Student: Maybe he’s gay for the snake.
Teacher: Did you just say “gay for the snake”?!
Pleasantville High School
Pleasantville, New York
Guy riding in car with real estate agent: I think we’re looking for something– Dude those cats were humping!
Agent, to driver: Go back, go back!
Bedford, Texas
Overheard by: Tswerve
Professor: Usually people ride donkeys to the top of the mountain because it’s really steep. Afterwards, you can go down on the donkeys, too, if you’d like.
Oglethorpe University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Caylin
Guy #1: So, it’s cold outside — should we take the underground tunnel?
Guy #2: I dunno… It’s kind of sketchy down there. Don’t blame me if we get raped by a gang of chimpanzees.
Montreal
Canadia
Professor: So, you see, the barns were directly beneath the houses, and the people and the animals had a very, very intimate relationship for many years. Very intimate.
Jock: Niiice [high fives jock friend].
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: chroma the great
Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
