Guy #1: John* really needs to get laid. He hasn’t hooked up for months.
Guy #2: Dude, didn’t you hear what happened to him?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: The last girl he brought home shat in his bed. He’s been kind of gun-shy since then.
Charlottesville, Virginia
Philosophy professor: Whatever you do guys, you can’t let Descartes come through the back door!
Students: [Laugh hysterically.]Philosophy professor: It’s not funny! Descartes always tries to come through the back door!
University of Portland
Oregon
Overheard by: B Student
[Chick #1 drops purse, condom falls out.]Chick #2: [Hands it back.] I didn’t know you had a penis.
Chick #1: I’m just being prepared.
Chick #2: In case you grow a penis?
High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Annoyed suit: Sir, don’t make me break out the “Canterbury Tales!”
Washington, DC
Confused girl: Someone with an unknown number just called me twice. I, of course, ignored the calls. Then they left a voicemail of music from The Nutcracker…I have the feeling I’m about to be murdered.
Lexington, Kentucky
Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I’m facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can’t even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!
Highway
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: scaredspectator
Construction worker yelling into manhole: As a matter of fact, I’m wearing a condom right now! Really! I put one on this morning.
10th and Pine
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Didn’t want to know
Girl to friend: I swear to god, if there is semen on my shirt, I will kill everyone.
College Park, Maryland
Overheard by: Tom and Laura
College guy: And then, there would be no more vagina!
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Laiah and Caitlin
Male flight attendant: … And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.
Southwest Airlines Flight #135
